So now I am here, working as a housekeeper/ waitress at an inn in New York state.  This will be my third summer working here and I’ve absolutely loved the job in past years.  I come here because it’s beautiful, pays really well, my bosses are really nice, and I’ve made some of my best friends here. But it’s difficult now that many of my friends who have worked here with me in the past have not returned this summer and I am the oldest on what they call the “junior staff”.  I am so grateful for the great job, don’t get me wrong, but I almost feel like I’ve outgrown it in some ways.  And while I would not be stupid enough to say anything bad about my place of employment on the internet, I will say that I have a problem with how they use/rely on extremely gendered dichotomies here.  For example, for me (a girl) it is assumed that I cannot lift heavy things on a regular basis or powerwash a sidewalk or things like that.  For the boys it is assumed that they are incapable of scrubbing a toilet or making a bed or things like that.  And the jobs are divided as such.  Or here is an even more specific example:  My bosses like to sugarcoat some parts of the job to show enthusiasm and keep up morale.  Like they give a special cheesy title to a  specific job description that is a bit different from other members of the staff in that on the day we turn over the rooms and clean the house for new guests, this person has special tasks assigned to them that nobody else does.  Last year they like to call this person the “Hero” when it was one of the boys on staff.  This year they have decided to assign a girl to the position and have renamed it the “Princess”.  As if a girl cannot be a hero.  And as if every girl would want to be a princess.  Vomit.  Such things are hell for someone with a degree in women’s studies (case in point: me).  In the past I’ve taken it for what it is and just been grateful for the job (which I still am).  However, this year it is starting to grate on me.

Also, this is a religious place where I’m working and, though I’m used to a ton of church and religion, growing up as the daughter of two ministers, I have not had religion shoved down my throat in the way that it is here.  I am not going to clean a room imagining that Jesus is going to be the guest staying in this room.  To me that is a cheesy and weird way for my boss to get us to make the rooms as clean as possible.  Rather, I’m going to do a good job because you hired me for this job and I am one who takes pride in her work.  Simple as that.

But other than those qualms, I’m happy to be back in this beautiful place as well as to have something to keep me occupied and with some cash money in my pocket.  So life is pretty good right now.  And I’m working on keeping an eye on job postings while I’m here.  I’m looking for something in the non-profit sector.  My ideal job right now would be to work for an organization that does programming to foster the empowerment of girls.  But I am extremely open minded and would be grateful for almost anything that comes along that is not in food service or retail (not that I feel I’m above those jobs, just that I’m hoping for something different that can put me closer to a track I’d like to be on career-wise).

On an unrelated note…-this place where I’m working, it’s like an entire artsy vacation community and the inn I work at is only one tiny place in the larger community.  However, I don’t know anyone outside my little inn staff.  One of my former professors/mentors/confidants has instructed me to have a summer fling while I’m here.  He is someone who I have talked a lot to about my personal life and lack thereof in the romantic sense and I believe his specific instructions were “You need to go out there and meet someone this summer.  Have a fling!  You deserve something like that, you’re such a lovely girl.”  And, the thing is, that I would love to be able to follow through on these instructions, but I have no idea how to meet people.  I’m not someone who just walks up to strangers and introduces myself (as with those kinds of outgoing people I find there to be a fine line between friendly and desperate/creepy when interpretation is concerned).  I’m definitely not that stereotype of the self-conscious, pity-worthy, sad lonely fat girl who thinks no man will love her.  I am an extremely competent, somewhat confident, adequately social young woman—and I’m certain that I’m quite a catch!  I just don’t know how to meet eligible, date-worthy men (the boys that I work with are definitely not in the realm of possibility on account of their immaturity and slight douchebaggery).  I’m sure if I did find such a man, the problem I would be blogging about would be a lack of confidence in my desirability in the eyes of said man, but I am taking things one step at a time.

This post is already too long, but I also wanted to put out there that I have had much frustration in shopping lately (not one of my passions or talents).  I am looking for jeans that fit and are decent quality.  My problem is that I am plus size AND tall.  I like flares or wide-leg trouser-ish styles because tapered legs look absolutely laughable on me.  Does anyone have any suggestions?  I was so happy last year to find the Right Fit jeans sold at Lane Bryant because the red-tagged ones were a great fit for me and they came in tall sizes too (the ones at Fashion Bug haven’t been quite as good for me).  But alas they are not really selling them anymore it seems.  Any guidance would be extremely appreciated.

—————————————
Call for Participants

Hi, my name is Michaela A. Null, and I am a doctoral student in Sociology at
Purdue University. I am doing a study about the embodiment of size-accepting fat
women, with attention to the ways in which gender, race, sexual orientation, and
body size intersect.

I am currently looking for individuals who are interested in volunteering to
participate in my study. If you are interested in volunteering to participate in
an interview, I ask that take an electronic informational survey, which will
take approximately 5 minutes. Please go here
[http://purdue.qualtrics.com/SE?SID=SV_etvIKJ1LFV0gFNi] and complete the
informational survey. After all survey data has been collected, participants
will be selected for interviews, which will be conducted in-person, by phone, or
via internet chat, and will last between an hour and an hour and a half.

Participation is voluntary and participants must be at least 18 years old.

This project has been approved by my university’s Institutional Review Board,
which protects human subjects of research. I will provide confidentiality to all
volunteers and participants will be referred to by a pseudonym in all research
documents.

If you have any questions regarding this study, you can contact me at
mnull@purdue.edu. For more information on me, you can access my university
profile here [http://www.cla.purdue.edu/sociology/directory/?p=Michaela_Null].
You can also contact Professor Eugene Jackson, Assistant Professor of Sociology
at Purdue University, at jacksone@purdue.edu.

Sincerely,

Michaela A. Null, Doctoral Candidate in Sociology, Purdue University

Graduated from a very respected college summa cum laude, Phi Beta Kappa, departmental honors, Turner Prize recipient, and Phi Alpha Theta.

…I like to think that makes me one counterexample that thereby disproves the fat=dumb hypothesis.

Yes graduation was Monday.  I am finished with college.  It’s a bit surreal.  It was a great commencement (gorgeous weather) and it all went by in a blur.  And now I am back home with a slight case of the post-grad blues.  I miss school, my friends, my dorm room, my campus, and everything else that makes college great.  I’m in this weird in-between place right now.  I’m home for a month until I go back to my regular summer job on a lake in NY state.  After that I’m hoping to move to Philadelphia since I spent a semester of off-campus study there and loved it.  I need to find a job, though.  And it’s hard to go looking for one when I’m not sure exactly what I want to do and whatever it is I wouldn’t be able to start until late August.  So that all is a bit frustrating.

And I’m a bit terrified to be going out into the real world.  I know most college graduates feel the same way right away (especially those with liberal arts degrees like mine).  The thing is, though, that I’m going to miss the gratification and pats on the back that I’ve received my whole life in school.  That might sound a bit privileged, and I recognize that, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not a valid feeling.  I’ve excelled in school my whole life.  That has been my element.  I was never “pretty”, or good at sports, or super creative.  I got A’s.  Sometimes I was even unhealthily obsessed with school.  I think part of that comes from feeling a lack of self-worth as a fat girl which caused me to immerse myself in schoolwork to show that I actually did have value and I actually wasn’t a failure.

Anyway, I’ve spent my whole life getting praised by teachers and professors for my work in school and I’m worried that without that, I won’t be able to find that same sense of self-worth that I was able to find in school.  I’ve used academics to boost myself up so many times.  What’s going to happen now that that’s been taken away?  That’s one of the main reasons I’m terrified.

I’m really only writing this post because I have absolutely no motivation to work on my finals.  And to let you all know some very exciting news I received today!  My school has a prize (which they call the Turner Prize in honor of a past professor at the college) for the “most distinguished Senior Thesis relating to women and women’s concerns.”  And today I received a letter telling me that my thesis has won the prize this year!!  That news has absolutely made my day and it is such an honor.  It is especially exciting because I feel like it is not only a win for me, but also for fat acceptance (as much of a win that it can be at a school as small as mine).  Here’s an excerpt from the letter I received from the prize committee:

Our decision to honor your Senior Thesis, “Re-Heading the Headless Fatty: A Look at Fat Positive Feminism in Blogs,” was based on our appreciation of the following:  the quality of your writing and the command of the language, the seriousness with which you analyzed your subject matter, the breadth of your research, your willingness to extend academic research into areas outside our typical purview, and your ability to successfully weave your theoretical tools throughout the discussion.  Your research enriched our understanding of the complex realities of self-identity, body weight, the blogosphere, and feminism’s importance to Fat Positive movements.  Please accept our warmest congratulations on your outstanding scholarship, and thank you for the opportunity to read your thesis.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I’m so HAPPY!!  Although I am still waiting to officially hear my grade on the thesis, but this is such wonderful news.  And I think it shows validation of fat acceptance in academic scholarship (at least on a small, unpublished  scale).

Thank you, Fat-O-Sphere, for giving me the voices to use in this project!  Congratulations to us all =)

I am what I am
I am my own special creation
So come take a look
Give me the hook or the ovation
It’s my world that I want to have a little pride in
My world, and it’s not a place I have to hide in
Life’s not worth a damn ’til you can say
“Hey world, I am what I am!”
I am what I am
I don’t want praise
I don’t want pity
I bang my own drum Some think it’s noise I think it’s pretty
And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle?
Why not try to see things from a different angle?
Your life is a sham ’til you can shout out loud: “I am what I am!”
I am what I am
And what I am needs no excuses
I deal my own deck
sometimes the ace, sometimes the deuces
There’s one life and it’s no return and no deposit
One life, so it’s time to open up your closet!
Life’s not worth a damn ’til you shout hey world “I am what I am!”

Anyway…to commemorate this milestone of turning in my thesis, I decided to post a picture promoting me from faceless fatty blogger to proud undergraduate scholar blogger (face and all).  Here you go…

There I am in my dorm room holding my thesis.  And Rosie in the background, who cheered me on during the whole process.  haha.

So since I’ve turned it in life has been pretty great!! Our school had a big celebration for the seniors the Monday after spring break, to celebrate everyone turning in their projects.  Tradition:  Everyone in the senior class gets completely drunk throughout the day and then participates in a drunken parade led by bagpipes.  The drunken part was not the most appealing part of the day for me (and not really how I spent my day).  I really like the part where lots of students get together with their friends and get custom t-shirts made.  Usually they are something like “We did it!” or something witty using the letters I and S.  My dear friend and I decided to go in a different direction.  We had taken to watching old episodes of The Vicar of Dibley as study breaks when we were working on our theses and so we decided to just get Dibley-themed shirts that were completely random and most people did not understand.  The fronts say “Save Dibley” and here are the backs.

Aren’t we just a delightful pair?  That was a fun day.  And I’ve worn the shirt since then and had the opportunity to bond with a complete stranger on 2 separate occasions because they asked if my shirt was a Vicar of Dibley reference.  So that’s fun.

So just because my paper is turned in does not mean I am done with it.  I still have to complete the oral defense part of the process.  Whenever I ask professors in my department what to expect for this they just ambiguously reply “Oh it’s just a delightful conversation where you get to be the expert on your study” which I don’t find to be very helpful.  I’m also presenting my project at our campus-wide senior IS research symposium on the 23rd.  I’m giving a 15 minute long oral presentation on my study.  I was kind of excited to do it and not nervous at all until I went to a public speaking workshop for symposium presenters that freaked me out and made me realize how little public speaking experience I really have.  And to be honest, I’m also nervous because I know fat acceptance is a controversial topic.  But I’m sure I can rock it.  Or at least that is what I’m telling myself.

I know that some of you were interested in reading my study when it was all said and done.  I know that if I were a really good researcher, I would have offered this before I turned it in so I could tweek things if there were anything my participants (bloggers) wanted to tweek.  But I think time constraints would have made this difficult.  And also I think the fact that this is just and undergrad thesis that won’t really be published makes that part of the research process a little less consequential.  So I apologize for not doing that.  But if you would like for me to send you a copy, leave me your email address or some internet way to get in touch with you and I will make it happen.

I’m pretty nervous to have anyone in the Fat-O-Sphere read it because I worry that I may have mistakenly misrepresented someone.  I also offered some critiques that might not be very well received.  For example, I argue for a stronger relationship between fat acceptance and feminism (and I think this is happening), especially as fat studies works its way into academia.  I also call for critical discussions of fat and race, class, and sexuality, pointing out that the narratives portrayed in my blogging sample were those of white heterosexual (and presumably middle class) women (and some men).  I have come across some great blogs in the fatosphere that do not fit this mold, but I found it interesting that the evidence in my sample (posts from the fat-o-sphere every 3 days for 2 months) fit pretty neatly in this this mold.  Also, the history of fat acceptance as I tell it in my study is a history of US fat acceptance (even though there is great representations from bloggers and activists outside the US).  So anyway, I didn’t mean to get into all that here.  I just wanted to show some points where my study might be critiqued or argued against, and why I am apprehensive about you all reading it.  But such apprehensions are just things I need to get over if I ever decide to become a real academic who actually has things published.  So like I said let me know in the comments if you want to read it.

and that’s all for now!  Although I am still planning on keeping this blog up now that I’ve turned in my thesis, even though I created it for the thesis.  I’m just starting to get into blogging.

And on a completely unrelated note.  Here is a picture of me as a turkey just because I like it and it makes me laugh.  (The Greek groups at my school put together a greek calendar and my sorority was November. as you can see, I got to be the star character).

(I’ve promoted myself from headless fatty to face transplant fatty….maybe one day you’ll have the pleasure of gazing upon my real face.  A special thanks goes out to Raggedy Ann for lending me her face for the time being.)  That glorious plate in front of me is molten lava cake.  If I were one of those people who gave morality to food…I’d have to call it sinfully delicious.

The friends that sat near me at my end of the table at dinner were mostly seniors and at this time of year, the seniors at my school really only have one topic of conversation–IS (our giant Independent Study Projects that are due in a few weeks).  There are a few different types of seniors at my school:  Those who enjoy talking about their IS (sometimes because they are genuinely enthusiastic about their topic, but more often because it makes them feel all important); Those who just complain about IS (usually because these people just like to complain about things to begin with); and Those who will avoid talking about it.

I’m usually in the last category.  I’ll talk about how I need to work on it or some frustrations I’m having with it, but I generally don’t like to go into specifics.  Part of this is because talking about it with other seniors causes me to start comparing myself to them, which can cause me to freak out and isn’t healthy.  But also part of this is because a lot of people just don’t quite get my topic.  I suppose if I want to get good at this whole fat acceptance thing I should really want to talk about it in order to teach them about it, but it can be so exhausting to explain and possibly debate.  Don’t get me wrong, I am immensely passionate about fat positive feminism as my topic and with the right person I will talk for hours on end about it.  But sometimes I just don’t feel up to the challenge.

But last night I brought it up.  I have an adorable tiny little friend who ordered cheesecake after her dinner last night to share with my other friend sitting next to her.  She’s not usually one for fat talk, but while she was eating it she was talking about how “bad” she was being by eating it (and by “it” she meant HALF a slice of cheesecake) and how she really needs to go to the gym.  I casually mentioned that she should just enjoy her cheesecake without guilt and that she could benefit from reading my IS.  She proceeded to ask about it and showed a real interest in what I was saying, but didn’t refrain from her cheesecake guilt talk.  Kind of like “oh! that’s a great topic for you and it’s really interesting, but I still need to be hard on myself.”  I don’t blame her because it’s a way we’ve all been trained to think…but it makes me feel like I hit a wall when I get into conversations like that.

So the whole table (all girls) got into a talk about body image, not fat acceptance but still a valuable topic.  Then one of my friends chimed in with “In some ways I feel like guys have it worse”– referring to the body ideal for men.  I can’t for the life of me see her perspective.  I understand that men have issues and insecurities about their bodies, and yes that sucks.  But I do not see it nearly to the extent that I see it for women.  Granted, I will admit that I am the kind of feminist who has a lot of trouble feeling sorry for men.  I’m not a man-hater by any means (as one can see by my adoration for my father and brother as well as my unhealthy and strange affection for all things boyband and Zac Efron).

The thing is, if I consider specific men individually, I have no problem at all sympathizing for their insecurities and  and body-issues.   They are very real…men have feelings too.   But something changes when we speak about men collectively rather than individually.  I am a lot less inclined to be able to empathize.  Maybe I’m essentializing the male experience, but I can’t imagine men experiencing a beauty ideal with the same all-encompassing rigidity like I’ve seen among women.

I mean, for example fat men can definitely say a whole lot about fat oppression and they are scarred in many ways just like fat women, but I see more acceptable spaces for fat men.  And when I see a man who is not exactly a pleasure to look at  calling a woman fat or ugly, there’s definitely something going on there.  Maybe not within men individually as there are so many wonderful guys out there and when a guy sucks it’s because he sucks, not because he is a man…but I’m pretty sure there is something going on with men collectively and their power that makes me not as inclined to be able to relate to “men” in the general sense of the word.

Ok that was just a lot of rambling.

Anyway…the IS title search continues.  I had one thought, but I don’t know if it’s a big enough theme in my paper to make sense as a title… “Recapitating the Headless Fatty:  A Look at Fat Positive Feminism in Blogs”.

Ok so maybe “recapitating” is a made up word, and the “headless fatty” isn’t necessarily an explicitly dominating theme or doesn’thave very much to do with blogs, but I think it could work on a few different levels and is actually a bit…ironic?  Since blogs are kind thought of as kind of disembodied entities.  I don’t know.  I’ll keep thinking of more options.

Edited:  So a friend of mine pointed out that “Recapitating” just sounds like a foolish word.  “Putting the Head Back on the Headless Fatty” then?  Something completely different?  I don’t know…

–

Today I meant to spend the whole day writing my thesis (IS).  Instead I spent it watching every episode of Being Human, stuffing my face with ‘hint of lime’ tortilla chips, and toggling my computer screen between my IS and Facebook.  Although I have realized that I work better late at night, so I am trying to take advantage of that right now, but even with coffee that isn’t turning out as successful as I’d hoped.  So I figure if I write here I am still indirectly working on my project, even if it’s not in the way I want right now.  Have I mentioned I’m a chronic procrastinator?

Anyway the “stuffing my face with ‘hint of lime’ tortilla chips” has brought me to this post…

So…yes I am doing extremely well with this whole idea of loving who I am and accepting my body.  It’s really been liberating for me and I am so grateful to have discovered fat acceptance and HAES blogs as they’ve been a great help in that.

However, I am still struggling with some issues on the periphery.  First off, I have a screwed up relationship with food and I can’t for the life of me figure out how to fix it.  I eat regardless of hunger.  I just eat and eat sometimes.  When I’m home I find myself wandering into the kitchen looking for food and then asking myself why I am there when I’m not even hungry at all.  Sometimes I’m even completely full.  It’s like my legs are on autopilot though.  Like I don’t consciously realize that I’m doing it until I already have the fridge open or until I’m done stuffing my face.  When I’m at school I don’t have a kitchen to walk in and out of, but when I’m at the dining hall I often eat to a point where I feel terribly bloated and uncomfortable.  I think part of this has to do with the rigid 3-meal-or-less-a-day structure implicit in a college dining hall system.  I’m sure it also has something to do with the fact that there is so much food available….but I do know that this food will be available the next time I sit down for a meal.  It’s not like I’m eating a last meal.

I know that I’m not a bad person for my overeating.  I know that there are other things at work here.  I also don’t like it because I make myself feel like shit and also because I don’t like obsessing about food.  But I can’t for the life of me figure out how to stop.  If food is in front of me, or available, I eat it regardless of whether I am hungry or not.  I didn’t go to dinner tonight because I ate that whole bag of chips.  I didn’t mean to…but it was there, so I did.  I also know that I stress eat and I eat when I am trying to avoid something (like writing IS).  I never keep food in my room, mainly because it doesn’t last long when I do try to.  I’m jealous of my friends who have a stocked fridge and snacks laying around for when the mood strikes them.  Because if it were me, I’d have to actively resist eating it all in one day.

I’m probably making my eating habits sound worse than they really are.  It’s not like I go on a rampage, eating everything in sight.  I just do a lot of unnecessary eating and I don’t even think I enjoy it, like one should when it comes to unnecessary eating.  Like when I go for those cookies after I’m done with lunch in the dining hall.  My stomach is stuffed and they really are mediocre cookies that I could take or leave.  But I reach for them anyway.

I think I really need someone to talk to about this.  We have counselors here at school that I could see for free…but I’m skeptical that they would be equipped with what I need, or be understanding of how to approach this from a haes perspective.  I’m not sure.

This is just one of those things that makes me a bit frustrated with myself.

–

In other news…it is now 3:41 AM Wednesday morning and I am pulling what I think will become my weekly Tuesday night all-nighter.  This month is crunch time for my IS.  Wish me luck.

OH!  In other news!!  My wonderful, amazing, talented, delightful mother has knit me a beautiful and super classy sweater!!  She’s been working on it on and off for a few years now and I finally received it in the mail last Friday!  I am so in love with it.  She worked so hard on it and she wanted to make sure it fit well and that I would like the style.  And it is PERFECT.  Here is a picture á la headless fatty because I am a fan of my internet anonymity…

Isn’t it wonderful?? If there are any knitters reading this… the pattern is called “Central Park Hoodie”

I absolutely adore my mom.